


The Stranger the Better

by kanobies



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, Gen, Im weak for this shit, M/M, basically gay chat fic shenanigans, caspar is in denial, dorothea and edelgard are the only functional gay, more relationships to be added later tbh, the ferdinand/hubert is slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-09-28 16:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20429132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanobies/pseuds/kanobies
Summary: [Blue Lion Chat Room changed to Warm Cheese by ladies man @ 4:04PM]Dimitri: IT WAS ONE TIME SYLVAINladies man: and yet you still did itDimitri: CHEESE CAN BE CONSUMED AT ROOM TEMPERATURE OR WARMER(basically a random modern au chat fic that involves lots of wild shenanigans and events and some friendship and gay along the way)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Black Eagles:  
Edelgard-Rebel Axe  
Dorothea-BiDiva  
Ferdinand- Noble Steed  
Caspar- smol warrior  
Linhardt- sleepy emo  
Petra- Island Princess  
Bernadetta- venus flytrap  
Hubert
> 
> Blue Lions:  
Dimitri  
Dedue  
Mercedes- Bakingfiend<3  
Sylvain- ladies man  
Felix- swordgay  
Ingrid- FlyingKnight  
Annette- booknerd  
Ashe- Grey
> 
> Golden Deer:  
Claude- sexymemes  
Hilda- barbie  
Lysithea- I'm fucking eleven  
Leonie- lancerleonie  
Lorenz- tea  
Raphael- Gains4Dayz  
Ignatz- art twink  
Marianne

**[Black Eagle Chat Room ** ** _changed to _ ** **Gays R Us ** ** _by BiDiva @ 3:20PM_ ** **]**

**smol warrior**: hey dorothea, what the FUCK

**BiDiva** : am I wrong, though?

**sleepy emo**: To be fair, she does have a point. At this point four out of the nine of us have admitted that we are not in fact, heterosexual.

**smol warrior**: yeah well not ALL of us are gay, so maybe we should be considerate of me and the fellow straights

**BiDiva** : Caspar, you’re about as straight as Flayn’s hair

**smol warrior** : I like girls!!!!

**Noble Steed: ** Dorothea, coming in for the kill

**BiDiva** : That’s right, so you better watch it bumblebee or I’ll scalp you too! :)

**Noble Steed** : noted

**Rebel Axe** : Can someone please explain to me, why our official group chat, which was encouraged by our professor as a means of collaborating for assignments and studying, is currently called… 

**Rebel Axe** :..... Gays R Us.

**smol warrior** : edelgard, it was all dorothea I had nothing to do with it

**Noble Steed** : yeah it was the diva

**BiDiva** : TRAITORS

**smol warrior** : dorothea….it literally says so in the chat logue ...smh

**BiDiva** : oh

**Hubert** : Would you like me to punish them, Lady Edelgard?

**BiDiva** : NO HUBERT WTF

**smol warrior** : HOLY FUCK WHY IS HE HERE

**Noble Steed** : Hubert, you can’t threaten them just because Dorothea changed the group chat name.

**Hubert** : I don’t believe that I was talking to you, you hopeless buffoon.

**Noble Steed** : says the tiresome bootlicker

**BiDiva** : ooooooh shit, go ferdie. I take back what i said. I support you as a fellow gay

**Island Princess** : we stan

**smol warrior** : ADLKAJSDLJASKDLJALKSDJ

**BiDiva** : HOE MY GODDESS

**BiDiva** : PETRA WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT???

**Island Princess** : Did I say something incorrectly? I was trying to utilize the language that Edlegard has been teaching me with.

**Rebel Axe** : Yes, Petra, you used that phrase most appropriately. Back to the matter at hand. I currently see no issue with Dorothea’s name change, I simply wanted to inquire as to what prompted the change. And, no Hubert, you may not harm our classmates.

**BiDiva** : Love you babe

**Rebel Axe** : <3

**Noble Steed** : I think i’m gonna be sick

**BiDiva** : you’re just jealous of what you don’t have

**Noble Steed** : toucheé

**sleepy emo** : well that was a rather interesting thread of conversation

**venus flytrap** : uhm…. guys?

**BiDiva** : yes bernie! What do you need?

**venus flytrap** : I was um… just wondering if um...anyone could bring me the notes on today’s lecture from the professor on black magic

**venus flytrap** : i’m not very good and I know its ss a uhhh pain but if someone..,could just..,nvm

**BiDiva** :!!!! no problem bernie!!!! I’m always happy to help! Are you free now? I could come over and help you go over them if there’s something you don’t understand

**venus flytrap** : no really….ahhh just umnh getting the notes would be fine!!

**BiDiva** : Really, Bernadetta, I’m happy to come over and help

**venus flytrap** : uhhhmhmm okay then

**smol warrior** : can i come over and get help too

**BiDiva** : no. GORLS ONLY

**venus flytrap** : yeahhh no im notttt uhmm cool with uhmm that many people in my room. especially uhmmm...l lloud peoplee. Sorry caspar!!!

**smol warrior** : no you’re fine bernadetta, I don’t want to distract you/make you uncomfortable. It’s all good don’t worry :)

**sleepy emo** : I can help you if you’d like, Caspar

**smol warrior** : that’d be great! Library in ten?

**Noble Steed** : wow, surprising to see lindhardt showing some initiative.

**Hubert** : For once I agree with you.

**Noble Steed** : please don’t

**Island Princess** : Bernadetta, would it be alright if I were to accompany to your room as well? I am also having difficulties and would like for us to train together!!!

**venus flytrap** : yyeahhh okayy

**smol warrior** : this is discrimination

**sleepy emo** : oh hush, and just meet me at the library

**smol warrior** : fineeeeeeeeeeeeeee

**BiDiva** : damn that boy’s whipped

**Rebel Axe** : Agreed.

**smol warrior** : STFU!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL PUNCH YOU

__________________________

**[Blue Lion Chat Room ** ** _changed to _ ** **Warm Cheese ** ** _by ladies man @ 4:04PM_ ** **]**

**Dimitri: ** IT WAS ONE TIME SYLVAIN

**ladies man** : and yet you still did it

**Dimitri** : CHEESE CAN BE CONSUMED AT ROOM TEMPERATURE OR WARMER

**FlyingKnight** : Do I even want to ask?

**swordgay** : no

**Bakingfiend<3** : Oh, I do!

**booknerd** : I second, Mercie!

**Grey** : yeah it sounds like an interesting story

**Dedue** : Please, don’t tease Dimitri, too severely.

**Bakingfiend<3** : Don’t worry, Dedue. I would never allow that to happen. Sylvain has simply spiked my curiosity!

**ladies man** : alright so

**ladies man** : basically i woke up at like midnight, bc I was hungry

**swordgay** : what’s new

**ladies man** : shush. anyway, so I go into the dining hall, and lo and behold who do I see but our best friend dimitri

**FlyingKnight** : oh no

**ladies man** : oh yes. so there I am walking up to him, his back turned to me when i hear him sleepily mutter

**Dimitri** : i stg sylvain i will kill you

**ladies man** : “Mmmm nothing better to eat at night than a nice warm chunk of cheese”

**FlyingKnight** :.

**swordgay** : wow

**booknerd** : im

**Bakingfiend<3** : I must admit that is….rather alarming.

**Grey** : I don’t like that

**ladies man** : #cursed

**swordgay** : truly

**ladies man** : anyway, I was sworn to secrecy, but since our local prince decided to embarrass me in front of a hot babe, i decided to exact revenge :)

**ladies man** : so now you know

**FlyingKnight** : of course your skirt chasing is the reason for this revelation. why am I not surprised? 

**[Dimitri ** ** _changed to _ ** **cheese gremlin ** ** _by ladies man_ ** **]**

**cheese gremlin** : THAT’S IT

**booknerd** : uh oh

**Bakingfiend<3** : Please, don’t fight!

**cheese gremlin** : It’s too late for that, Mercedes. Sylvain, I promise you that you will regret your decision. You have made an enemy today, and I do not easily forget past indiscretions.

**ladies man** : big talk for a guy who doesn’t know how to properly wash his hair :)

**Grey** : oh shit

**FlyingKnight** : Sylvain, I just want you to know that Felix and I will not be digging you out of this hole.

**swordgay** : no, we definitely won’t 

**cheese gremlin** : Sylvain. Meet me at the training grounds. Now.

**ladies man** : who’s gonna make me? Hmm???

**cheese gremlin** : If you don’t I’ll take that as your agreeing to having me tell every available woman in town and at the academy about the special cream you have to get from Manuela.

**FlyingKnight** : WHAT

**Bakingfiend<3** : Dimitri!

**cheese gremlin** : he started it

**Bakingfiend<3** : Regardless, that is no reason to reveal someone’s medical history! I’m disappointed in you both >:(

**booknerd** : oh no, mercie busted out the angry face

**Grey** : we done goofed

**swordgay** : we? I think you mean dimitri and sylvain

**Grey** : true

**ladies man** : ugh

**ladies man** : i know you guys probably think it’s for something weird, but that cream is for chafing. I uh. Get rashes from being in armor. Also, yeah I’m sorry Dimitri. And Mercedes.

**FlyingKnight** : wow tmi

**swordgay** : agreed

**Bakingfiend<3** : Hush, you two! I accept your apology, Sylvain, and that’s completely understandable! I’m sure I would get rashes too if I ran around in armor like that! Now, we just need Dimitri to apologize. :)

**cheese gremlin** : over my dead body

**Bakingfiend<3** : Dimitri.

**cheese gremlin** : no.

**Bakingfiend<3** : Fine. Then no more baked treats until you decide to behave like an adult.

**cheese gremlin** :.....

**cheese gremlin** : I’m sorry, Sylvain.

**ladies man** : yeah, yeah I’m sorry too man. We good?

**cheese gremlin** : Yes. Just don’t ever tell anyone else about this again.

**ladies man** : understood!

**ladies man** : now who is ready to watch the premiere of  _ Fodlan’s Most Eligible Bachelor _ later

**swordgay** : so you mean a show about the man you’ll never be? sound’s fun

**FlyingKnight** : DAMN

**ladies man** : oof. felix I thought we were friends ;(

**swordgay** : only when you’re not being a thot

**Grey** : Hello, Knights of Seiros? I’d like to report a murder.

**BakingFiend<3** : I would be willing to watch it with you Sylvain! 

**booknerd** : I’ll join too!

**swordgay** : I guess I’ll watch. Purely for the irony

**ladies man** : mmmhmmm okay, whatever you have to tell yourself ;)

**swordgay** : do you want me to watch or not

**ladies man** : alright alright, i’ll be quiet. 

**BakingFiend<3** : Where should we meet?

**ladies man** : There’s a projector in our classroom and the prof said that we could use it outside of school hours

**booknerd** : sounds chill. see y’all then!!!

**[The Meme League @ 11:01PM]**

**sexymemes** : hello fellow memers, how is it hanging?

**barbie** : nothing much lord memer, just looking beautiful and being bi

**sexymemes** : same

**lancerleonie** : claude, why are you messaging rn. People might be trying to sleep.

**sexymemes** : what’s that?

**I’m fucking eleven** : the thing I was doing before you dumbasses woke me the fuck up.

**sexymemes** : awwww, was the baby taking a wittwe nap? uwu

**I’m fucking eleven** : I will kill you in your sleep.

**barbie** : nice try. as if you’d leave your room at night.

**I’m fucking eleven** : what’s that supposed to mean

**barbie** : oh idk :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

**sexymemes** : yeah idk lysithea, wouldn’t want you to get attacked by that new ghost or whatever on your way to kill me :0

**I’m fucking eleven** :....what…..ghost…..

**Marianne** : aaaa gghhosts???

**Gains4Dayz** : I haven’t heard about that.

**art twink** : neither have I

**I’m fucking eleven** : Haha claude very funny. There’s no such thing as ghosts.

**sexymemes** : hmmmmmmmmmmm idk lysithea. i’ve heard rumors going around that a ghost has been seen lurking near the dining hall around this time lately. 

**barbie** : yeah apparently seteth has been investigating OwO

**lancerleonie** : doubt

**Gains4Dayz** : doubt

**art twink** : doubt

**tea** : doubt

**barbie** : stfu lorenz

**sexymemes** : y’all need faith!!! I swear. apparently there have been sightings in the dining commons oooooooooo :O

**Marianne** : ahhhhhh noo

**barbie** : claude, don’t scare marianne

**sexymemes** : sorry marianne!!

**Marianne** : itt’s okk

**sexymemes** : <3

**sexymemes** : anywho. lysithea, wanna check it out? :)

**I’m fucking eleven** : if I say no, you’ll just keep bothering me won’t you

**sexymemes** : maybe :D

**barbie** : i wanna come toooooo

**art twink** : tell me how it goes

**I’m fucking eleven** : i stg claude, hilda, if this is a prank you WILL regret it

**sexymemes** : ok ok, see you in 10min

**barbie** : we’ll meet outside of my room

**sexymemes** : you just don’t want to walk somewhere else, huh

**barbie** : yep! :)

**I’m fucking eleven** : fine. I’ll be there shortly

**[The Meme League 11:35PM]**

**I’m fucking eleven** : AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCKSKSDJSJ

**sexymemes** : I PROMISE LYSITHEA THAT WAS NOT US 

**barbie** : WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT

**I’m fucking eleven** : I DON’t KNOW

**lancerleonie** : what’s wrong

**tea** : why have you fools woken me up again

**I’m fucking eleven** : GHOST

**barbie** : CHEESE

**sexymemes** : CHEESE GHOST

**Marianne** : cccheese ghoost???

**art twink** : we need more of an explanation than that. 

**sexymemes** : ok so, tbh hilda and I were just screwing with lysithea, but um so we went to the dining commons and it was really dark

**I’m fucking eleven** : I knew it claude and I will kill you once i recover from the fuckery we just witnessed 

**barbie** : anyway. we go in and like claude and I are ready to spook her when we just….hear this really loud slurp

**lancerleonie** : oof don’t like that

**sexymemes** : EXACTLY

**sexymemes** : so yeah we uh start like….slowly creeping towards the noise. It was coming from the kitchen and the light was streaming out towards us

**art twink** : claude, you should RUN not go towards the weird sound

**sexymemes** : anyway, so we get up and we see this shadow

**I’m fucking eleven** : and heard the moaning

**barbie** : it was someone hunched over in front of the fridge

**I’m fucking eleven** : there was cheese everywhere

**barbie** : a fuck ton of cheese

**sexymemes** : so all we see is this figure when suddenly it turns around and we couldn’t really make out a face but

**barbie** : the cheese was just….dripping down...everywhere...all over them

**I’m fucking eleven** : it was truly scarring

**sexymemes** : so basically we screamed and ran back to the dorms

**barbie** : lysithea ditched us

**I’m fucking eleven** : yeah bc clearly if anyone is gonna be murdered by a ghost it isn’t going to be me

**barbie** : meanie :((((

**sexymemes** : my heart is hurt

**I’m fucking eleven** : good

**art twink** : can we please get back to the fact that there’s a cheese ghost????

**art twink** : I think we should tell the professor

**lancerleonie** : sounds like a plan. I’ll tell them in the morning

**sexymemes** : you just want an excuse to see if jeraldt is around them ;))))))))

**lancerleonie** : die

**barbie** : claude don’t kinkshame poor leonie. she can’t help that she’s into daddies :)))))))))))))))))

**lancerleonie** : lysithea, will you help me kill those two

**I’m fucking eleven** : with pleasure :)

**[Gays R Us @ 11:32PM]**

**BiDiva** : will someone please tell me why there’s screaming and doors slamming

**Rebel Axe** : My bet is that it’s the golden deer

**Hubert** : Of course

**BiDiva** : they sounded spooked

**smol warrior** : wonder what could’ve happened

**BiDiva** : whomst can say

**Noble Steed** : please never say that again

**BiDiva: ** what? Dost thou not enjoy my archaic dialect?

**Noble Steed** : I’m trying to sleep you absolute meme

**BiDiva** : I’ll take that as a compliment

**smol warrior** : pls be quiet. I’m sure linhardt is trying to sleep

**BiDiva** : hmmmmm oddly concerned about linhardt i see

**smol warrior** : dorothea I will hurt you

**BiDiva** : ok big bro! You’ll have to fight my gf first!

**Rebel Axe** : she is right you know

**Rebel Axe** : anyway, yes let’s please go back to sleep. we will investigate in the morning

**[Warm Cheese @ 11:40PM]**

**ladies man: ** why the FUCK were people screaming

**sword gay** : fuck if I know but i’m pissed

**FlyingKnight** : mood

**cheese gremlin** : um

**ladies man** : dimitri

**FlyingKnight** : what did you do

**cheese gremlin** : Nothing!!!!

**sword gay** : alright then

**sword gay** : goodnight. and all of you shut up so I can sleep

**ladies man** : don’t worry we’ll find out soon enough, dimitri :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically I decided to write a chat fic in a modern au, so there will be some events with the church and other residents of Garreg Mach haha. Hopefully no one is too ooc. Feel free to hit me up @ kanobies on tumblr to chat about fire emblem
> 
> As always comments are encouraged and appreciated!  
Till next time!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cheese ghost arch comes to an end and Claude catches the gay for the local cheese man.

**[** ** _sexymemes has created the group _ ** **The Mystery Gang @ 11:15AM]**

**swordgay**: hey wtf is this and who the fuck added me

**sexymemes**: it’s the mystery gang can you read???

**Bakingfiend<3**: @BlueLions, don’t worry! Claude asked me for everyone's contact info so he could create a main group chat due to a current ongoing situation

**FlyingKnight**: gross

**ladies man**: seconded

**smol warrior**: that doesn’t explain why the fuck I’m here

**Noble Steed**: yeah explain pls

**BiDiva**: oh, claude hit me up and you know what they say, us bi’s have to stick together

**barbie**: tea

**sexymemes**: xoxo <3 <3

**Rebel Axe**: Watch it, Claude.

**sexymemes**: YIKES

**I’m fucking eleven**: keep it in your pants Claude, she’s taken

**sexymemes**: i’m aware

**Bakingfiend<3**: @BiDiva and @sexymemes can we please dm each other so that we can exchange who is who. These usernames might be a bit confusing for everyone.

**BiDiva**: awww mercedes that’s so considerate of you

**barbie**: claude, why can’t you be like that

**sexymemes**: bc we both collectively share one brain cell and right now you have it

**barbie**: oh yeah 

**Hubert**: Would you imbeciles please get to the point instead of wasting our lunch hour. I’m assuming you didn’t make this chat just to annoy everyone within the walls of this monastery. 

**sexymemes**: not originally but thanks for the idea hubert

**I’m fucking eleven**: hubert what the fuck have you done

**art twink**: shit

**venus flytrap**: ohhhh uhmmm thanks for uhmm sending eveyrones infoo!! It’s unhm bernadetta bttw!

**Bakingfiend<3**: Lovely to hear from you, Bernadetta.

**BiDiva**: It was no problem, Bernie!!!!! <3

**venus flytrap**: hahhhhah thankss

**Marianne**: yess,, thank youu!!!

**barbie**: <3

**sexymemes**: we protec

**Noble Steed**: what

**sleepy emo**: i’m lost

**smol warrior**: don’t worry they’re just being weird

**Gains4Dayz**: that’s pretty typical for hilda and claude hahahahaha

**cheese gremlin**: can someone please get to the point

**Rebel Axe**: I agree.

**leonielancer**: basically it’s about something that happened last night

**ladies man**: is this about the screaming

**BiDiva**: and doors slamming

**barbie**: yeah, that was lysithea

**I’m fucking eleven**: BITCH

**barbie**: fine it was lysithea, me and claude

**swordgay**: why am i not surprised

**FlyingKnight**: so what, you guys just wanted to admit your guilt???

**booknerd**: or was there something more?

**sexymemes**: yes there’s more

**Hubert**: Please get to the point. I’m about to lose my patience.

**Noble Steed**: ignore him. He’s just grumpy because the cafeteria ran out of coffee

**smol warrior**: when is he not grumpy?????

**Noble Steed**: true

**Hubert**: Ferdinand, do not try and explain my behavior to this conglomerate of buffoonery. It’s unbecoming of your supposed nobility.

**Noble Steed**: says the goth who looks like he got his entire wardrobe out of a dumpster

**FlyingKnight**: HN

**ladies man**: holy shit

**Grey**: are those two always like this

**BiDiva**: yes

**sleepy emo**: yes

**smol warrior**: yes

**lancerleonie**: BACK TO THE REASON AS TO WHY CLAUDE MADE THE CHAT

**Bakingfiend<3**: Yes, I’m curious to know as well! I’m sure it’s a very interesting and fun story.

**barbie**: one could say that

**I’m fucking eleven**: i’ll have nightmares for years but it’s ok i guess

**Rebel Axe**: What

**sexymemes**: basically hilda and I tried to prank lysithea

**ladies man**: nice

**I’m fucking eleven**: watch it

**sexymemes**: and so we were gonna pretend there was a ghost in the dining commons. But when we got there….there was acutally a ghost

**ladies man**: uh huh sure

**barbie**: NO REALLY! IT WAS COVERED IN CHEESE AND EVERYTHING

**BiDiva**: AHDIASHDASDIOAFJASLDJLSKD

**smol warrior**: EXCUSE ME

**tea**: That’s disgusting

**booknerd**: fear

**Grey**: fear

**art twink**: fear

**Noble Steed**: A Cheese Ghost???

**sexymemes**: yeah, so we told seteth, and before he full on tries to exorcise our dining commons, he wanted me to ask everyone if they’d heard anything/ if it was possibly someone here

**Bakingfiend<3**: That’s very logical of him.

**Dedue**: I agree.

**swordgay**: dimitri.

**BiDiva**: WHAT

**I’m fucking eleven**: what does that mean

**sexymemes**: wait which one of you is, dimitri?

**cheese gremlin**:......

**FlyingKnight**: this is what was going on in the chat last night wasn’t it

**ladies man**: the thing he wouldn’t say :))))))))))))))

**cheese gremlin**: it wasn’t me

**swordgay**: dimitri, literally everyone in our house knows about your cheese addiction

**barbie**: HIS WHAT

**sexymemes**: wait

**sexymemes**: dimitri you were the cheese ghost???

**cheese gremlin**:......maybe

**sexymemes**: akdalksjdaklsdj you crazy nut <3

**[** ** _sexymemes changed _ ** **cheese gremlin ** ** _to _ ** **cheese ghost]**

**cheese ghost**: Ugh fine. It’s not like this nickname is any better. Yes. I did it. I have a problem, ok?

**sexymemes**: no haha you’re good. It’s cute haha

**[dm from barbie to sexymemes @ 11:45AM]**

**barbie**: it’s cute????

**sexymemes**: what can I say the boy is cute

**barbie**: wow your taste in men has gotten weird

**sexymemes**: that or it’s aged like a fine wine

**barbie**: more like a smelly cheese

**sexymemes**: rude

**[The Mystery Gang @ 11:47AM]**

**BiDiva**: you know after learning about the cheese ghost, I will admit that dimitri is not who I would have expected to be the culprit

**FlyingKnight**: Don’t worry, it’s just because you weren’t in the same house as him. Literally all of us in Blue Lion knew the second the word “cheese” was mentioned.

**cheese ghost**: ingrid, i doubt that

**Grey**: yeah I mean I was suspicious but I didn’t know.

**ladies man**: everyone excluding ashe then

**swordgay**: yeah

**Bakingfiend<3**: Yep!

**booknerd**: yeah!

**Dedue**: Agreed.

**Grey**: this is bullying

**I’m fucking eleven**: hey dimitri

**cheese ghost**: …..yes?

**I’m fucking eleven**: please let me know the next time you have a midnight rendezvous with the cheese fridge, because my mental state can’t afford to see cheese dripping down your person ever again.

**barbie**: same

**cheese ghost**: fine.

**sexymemes**: don’t worry! You can just text me and I’ll let them know when you’re eating haha

**cheese ghost**: ok

**Island Princess**: gay

**barbie**: ASHDIOAHSDIOHASIODHASIODJASDOJ

**barbie**: WHO IS THATTT

**BiDiva**: PETRA I LOVE YOU

**Island Princess**: ???? did I use another word incorrectly???

**BiDiva**: no sweetie, you’re doing amazing <3333

**smol warrior**: i’m losing my mind

**Hubert**: Not much to lose.

**Marianne**: ttthahats not veerry nice!

**barbie**: hubert, pick your next words very carefully, because if you say something mean to marianne, i will hurt you

**Noble Steed**: I volunteer to help

**barbie**: thanks weird guy

**Noble Steed**: rude, but I’ll ignore it.

**Hubert**: I have nothing more to say.

**swordgay**: good.

**ladies man**: lmaoooooo

**ladies man**: anywho. So we just gonna have this big group chat now?

**sexymemes**: ya

**barbie**: ya

**tea**: I’d prefer that we didn’t

**[barbie ** ** _changed_ ** ** tea ** ** _to_ ** ** purple bitch]**

**purple bitch**: That was rather uncalled for.

**barbie**: what was that? I can’t hear you over your bitching

**Bakingfiend<3**: Please, lets try not to be too mean to each other.

**Rebel Axe**: I’m afraid that’s something that’s somewhat unlikely to happen, Mercedes.

**Bakingfiend<3**: I guess you’re right, I was just hoping that we could all try to get along :(

**booknerd**: y’all fools have done it

**Grey**: you’ve made her use the sad face

**booknerd**: be nice or Dedue will beat you up

**Dedue**: I won’t do that.

**booknerd**: fine then, felix will beat y’all up

**swordgay**: i guess

**barbie**: i’m sorry mercedes!!!!

**sexymemes**: same

**Bakingfiend<3**: It’s fine. Oh I know! Why don’t we all meet up later over some tea? I think it would be a wonderful chance to build inter-house unity :D

**Rebel Axe**: That sounds like an actually decent idea.

**cheese ghost**: yeah sounds fine with me

**sexymemes**: finally the chance to try mercedes infamous baking????

**Bakingfiend<3**: Haha yes, I just made some cookies last night!

**BiDiva**: sign me the FUCK up

**I’m fucking eleven**: will there be cake?

**Bakingfiend<3**: I can make some!

**I’m fucking eleven**: fine. I’ll come.

**ladies man**: yeah i’ll come. Would be a nice chance to meet all of you wonderful ladies ;)

**FlyingKnight**: Sylvain, please don’t embarrass yourself in front of the entire officer’s academy

**swordgay**: i’m going solely to see him make a fool of himself.

**smol warrior**: I’ll go after I finish training.

**Gains4Dayz**: same

**Hubert**: I wouldn’t normally go, but I shall attend if Lady Edelgard has decided to go.

**Noble Steed**: What he’s trying to say, is that he’d be delighted to attend and that he would appreciate it, Mercedes, if you would please supply some coffee as well.

**Hubert**: Not true.

**Hubert**:.....but coffee would be appreciated.

**Bakingfiend<3**: I’ll make sure to get some from a store in town this afternoon!

**booknerd**: crap was that the bell

**barbie**: yeah

**art twink**: hilda….why aren’t you moving?

**barbie**: ummm because i’m not done eating???

**leonielancer**: i’m not explaining to hanneman why you’re late again

**barbie**: that’s fine. See y’all soon uwu

**smol warrior**: cursed

**sleepy emo**: caspar, why did you wake me?

**smol warrior**: bc we have class???

**sleepy emo**: fine.

**BiDiva**: alright you two, come on let’s go learn from my second favorite person in the world, Manuela!

**venus flytrap**: !!! ssounds funn!

________________________________

**[The Mystery Gang @6:06PM]**

**Rebel Axe**: Does anyone want to explain what just happened?

**barbie**: no

**I’m fucking eleven**: no

**ladies man**: no

**FlyingKnight**: ???? why was the cake on the floor and why was that poor knight crying???

**BiDiva**: that was me

**art twink**: what

**BiDiva**: I kicked him.

**smol warrior**: why????????

**BiDiva**: he was harassing me and said some gross shit

**Noble Steed**: That’s terrible. I’m sorry that happened.

**BiDiva**: thanks ferdie.

**Rebel Axe**: He did what?

**BiDiva**: don’t worry babe it’s fine! 

**ladies man**: babe????

**BiDiva**: ???? Edelgard is my gf

**ladies man**: oh

**swordgay**: there are other fish in the sea sylvain

**ladies man**: no no, that oh wasn’t disappointed just surprised

**ladies man**: didn’t expect edelgard to be the type to date

**BiDiva**: well she’s dating me so hah! :)

**purple bitch**: her taste is interesting

**Rebel Axe**: Shut up, bitch.

**barbie**: HOLY SHIT AHDALSDHLKASJD

**I’m fucking eleven**: i’m glad to see the oppression of lorenz extends outside of the golden deer

**art twink**: truly a human universal

**ladies man**: tea

**[ Bakingfiend<3, booknerd, Hubert, and Noble Steed have come online]**

**Bakingfiend<3**: Well, that could have gone better, but I am glad to have had more time to chat with everyone! 

**booknerd**: who dropped mercie’s cake, I just want to talk. :)

**smol warrior**: fear

**I’m fucking eleven**:......

**barbie**:......

**ladies man**:......

**barbie**: we may have been fighting over who could have the first slice

**I’m fucking eleven**: and then sylvain dropped it

**ladies man**: wtf no I didn’t.

**barbie**: yes, sylvain dropped it :)

**ladies man**: felix back me up ;(

**swordgay**: I wasn’t watching you

**BiDiva**: you sure about that? ;)

**swordgay**: what

**ladies man**: what

**Noble Steed**: smh, you’re oblivious

**Hubert**: Truly.

**barbie**: oh look the goth talks

**[** ** _BiDiva changed _ ** **Hubert ** ** _to _ ** **goth]**

**goth**: I am not a “goth”

**Noble Steed**: to be fair to them, Hubert, you kind of are.

**goth**: Fine. You are all lucky that I’m in a good mood or else you wouldn’t get off so easily.

**Noble Steed**: I’m sure

**goth**: Watch it you insolent fool.

**Noble Steed**: Whatever you say, you constipated henchman.

**smol warrior**: ahskldajskdlasjd

**smol warrior**: constipated henchman. That’s a good one. I’ll have to use that later

**I’m fucking eleven**: I must admit, Ferdinand is actually fairly decent at comebacks.

**barbie**: wait

**barbie**: where’s my bro

**goth**: Your what?

**Rebel Axe**: Isn’t he in the Alliance?

**barbie**: not that one, i mean claude

**Marianne**: uuhhm last i uhhh saw, he was ss unm withh dimmitri

**barbie**: omg

**barbie**: that crazy twunk

**barbie**: he went for it

**BiDiva**:????

**FlyingKnight**: is there something we should know about?

**barbie**: no, no, ignore me

**Dedue**: you’re not very convincing

**barbie**: yeah bc instead of getting a degree in persuasion I got a degree in being this bitch

**I’m fucking eleven**: weak

**ladies man**: yeah, not great

**Bakingfiend<3**: Please don’t be mean to Dedue.

**barbie**: sorry :(((((

**barbie**: anyway, who wants to see what’s up with those two??? :)

**ladies man**: i’m down

**FlyingKnight**: sure

**swordgay**: fine

**leonielancer**: i guess

**barbie**: alright meet me by the greenhouse in 15 minutes gays

**leonielancer**: so you mean 20 because you’re always 5 minutes late

**barbie**: you know me so well :)

**[The Mystery Gang @ 7:05PM]**

**ladies man**: that was boring

**swordgay**: yeah

**FlyingKnight**: they were just playing chess

**barbie**: yeah I guess so :)))))))

**leonielancer**: hilda stop being weird

**barbie**: no can do. It’s in my genes

**I’m fucking eleven**: then perish

**[DM from sexymemes to barbie @7:10PM]**

**sexymemes**: what was that you thot

**barbie**: just wanted to check in on my bro owo

**sexymemes**: uh huh sureeeeeeee

**barbie**: so you like him now????

**sexymemes**: yeah he’s nice. funny once you get to know him. smart, and also really cute

**barbie**: i see

**barbie**: do u know if he is the…..how you say….gay?

**sexymemes**: hmm not yet but if you wanna help me find out that’d be nice

**barbie**: say no more, I am on it the platonic love of my life

**sexymemes**: <3 thanks babe

**barbie**: xoxoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's the next part already! Writing this has been really cathartic and fun so for the next few days chapters might come pretty quickly. Next time will be shenanigans regarding hilda's investigation. Hopefully again, no one is too ooc!
> 
> Again feel free to hit me up @kanobies on tumblr, and as always comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Till next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hilda investigates, Sylvain has a revelation, and Lorenz has no rights.

**[** ** _barbie has created the group _ ** **Gaydar United @ 10:15PM]**

**FlyingKnight** : hi, excuse me, why am I here?

**swordgay** : same

**ladies man** : likewise

**BiDiva** : I think I have an idea as to why

**Noble Steed** : I am also confused

**barbie** : ok listen up gays! I’m on a mission and I ain’t taking any prisoners!!!

**ladies man** : cute

**barbie** : thanks. anyway, i’ve assembled the best of the best in order to ascertain one thing

**FlyingKnight** : and what would that be

**Noble Steed** : this should be interesting

**barbie** : do you all, my gay comrades, believe that dimitri is hetero, or a fellow enlightened gay lord?

**swordgay** :.....

**FlyingKnight** : I’m not gay, but that man is an enigma and I have no clue

**barbie** : thank you ingrid, your comment is noted

**Noble Steed** : ok yeah i’m gay as can be but ummmm, the little I know of Dimitri has not given me gay vibes

**BiDiva** : Hilda, I really want to help but the sum of my knowledge on dimitri includes the fact that he’s blond, likes cheese, and that he apparently plays chess

**barbie** : thanks black eagles, your gay wisdom has been recieved

**ladies man** : i’m here bc we were childhood friends, right?

**barbie** : yeah and bc you’re one of us

**ladies man** : hmmmm uhhh no?? I mean, yeah no what

**BiDiva** : uh oh

**FlyingKnight** : Please don’t break, Sylvain.

**swordgay** : gonna be honest he might be

**BiDiva** : yes we’ve seen that Sylvain is gay for you

**ladies man** : WHAT

**ladies man** : NO

**BiDiva** : jk jk ;)

**FlyingKnight** : you guys broke felix. He’s staring at his phone and his face is oddly red.

**swordgay** : be quiet ingrid

**swordgay** : i was talking about dimitri

**barbie** : oh????

**swordgay** : yeah, let’s just say growing up together I noticed his gaze lingering on men a bit more than women. he hasn’t ever dated anyone so I mean, not going to assume anything, but that’s what I noticed

**barbie** : felix, you are truly an exemplary sword gay and I appreciate you so much

**ladies man** : why do you want to know whether dimitri is gay or not

**barbie** : ah the fuckboi has recovered

**BiDiva** : is this about Claude?

**barbie** :...... maybe

**BiDiva** : interesting :)

**barbie** : don’t tell anyone. and blue lions don’t tell dimitri or I will exact my revenge and ban you from all future gay gatherings and shindigs

**swordgay** : noted

**ladies man** : yeet

**[DM from barbie to sexymemes @ 11:05PM]**

**barbie** : alright lord memer, I have the DEETS

**sexymemes** : lay them on me queen memer

**barbie** : so, i got some people together

**sexymemes** : mhm

**barbie** : gays and friends alike. their advice has led me to the current belief that there’s a 60% chance that your crush may be gay

**sexymemes** : interesting

**barbie** : yes. next on to stage two of hilda’s undercover get claude a bf operation

**sexymemes** : adkajsdlasdj i love you

**barbie** : <3

_______________________

**[** ** _BiDiva changed _ ** **The Mystery Gang ** ** _to_ ** ** The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 4:02PM]**

**I’m fucking eleven** : you really latched on to one insult by Hubert from a day ago and decided to name this group chat that, huh?

**BiDiva** : yep! :)

**Bakingfiend<3** : I like it!

**barbie** : same

**booknerd** : same!

**Island Princess** : I also enjoy it!

**goth** : I’m glad you appreciate my insults.

**Noble Steed** : Appreciate is a strong word.

**I’m fucking eleven** : tolerate is more accurate

**smol warrior** : yeah. laughing at them is fun too

**sexymemes** : adjjlasjdklasjd dorothea that group name is great

**BiDiva** : I know ;)

**Rebel Axe** : Would it kill you all to utilize this chatroom as a means of collaboration as our own house chatrooms were initially intended?

**art twink** : yes I will actually die

**barbie** : I agree with ignatz

**purple bitch** : I personally agree with Edelgard.

**sexymemes** : lorenz, this is why you don’t have rights

**goth** : I actually for once tolerate and agree with Lorenz

**I’m fucking eleven** : case in point why lorenz can’t have rights; the goth liked him simply for complimenting his boss

**ladies man** : tea

**Noble Steed** : your heart is easily swayed, Hubert

**BiDiva** : Oh? Do you have any expertise on the matter ferdie? :))))

**Noble Steed** : hardly

**Bakingfiend<3** : So how has everyone’s day been? :)

**BiDiva** : wow mercedes being a literal angel yet again

**[** ** _booknerd changed _ ** **Bakingfiend<3 ** ** _to _ ** **oh baby you’re my angel]**

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Oh Annie, that’s so sweet!

**booknerd** : no problem besite

**venus flytrap** : ahhh ittt was goodd!

**Marianne** : yeess I was,,able to tend to thee horsess!

**barbie** : my heart

**sexymemes** : is full

**ladies man** : i feel complete

**BiDiva** : finally something that I can agree with sylvain on

**Dedue** : I must admit, that was rather sweet. I have been tending to the plants in the greenhouse.

**Grey** : You garden????

**FlyingKnight** : you didn’t know?

**swordgay** : this is ashe we’re talking about

**booknerd** : true

**[cheese ghost came online]**

**cheese ghost** : hilda

**barbie** : yes cheese man?

**cheese ghost** : why have you been following me?

**I’m fucking eleven** : because she’s a stalker obviously

**barbie** : shut up gremlin

**I’m fucking eleven** : call me gremlin again and you’ll regret it :)

**BiDiva** : uh oh

**swordgay** :.....

**barbie** : I was just curious to see what our local cheese man was up to

**cheese ghost** : all day?

**barbie** : I have no idea what you are talking about

**ladies man** : you’ve been found out pinkie

**Gains4Dayz** : why do I never have any idea what is going on in this chat

**Rebel Axe** : Because it is absolute insanity.

**cheese ghost** : the only reason why i didn’t say anything was because I was with mercedes and she told me that since you weren’t doing any harm to leave it be

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Yes. I mean you looked so cute trying to sneak around that I didn’t want Dimitri to interrupt your fun! You looked very determined. 

**cheese ghost** : [uploaded  _ hildacreep.png _ ]

**sexymemes** : is that a trenchcoat

**smol warrior** : and sunglasses

**sleepy emo** : and a notepad

**ladies man** : and a fedora????

**barbie** : look

**barbie** : when i’m on a mission

**barbie** : I go all out

**Rebel Axe** : What mission?

**barbie** : nothing

**oh baby you’re my angel** : I am curious as well!

**sexymemes** : as am I :))))))))))))

**barbie** : die

**swordgay** : just tell them

**BiDiva** : yes tell us

**art twink** : tell us

**Grey** : tell us

**purple bitch** : inform us of your goal

**I’m fucking eleven** : what in the actual fuck, Lorenz

**Marianne** : yyeahh that was weird

**ladies man** : damn even marianne said no to lorenz rights

**barbie** : fine. the professor told me to investigate dimitri for further odd behavior

**FlyingKnight** : hmmm did they really 

**barbie** : yes! you gotta admit the cheese thing was weird and the staff is a bit concerned

**oh baby you’re my angel** : I will say that the dining staff were rather alarmed at the amount of cheese that disappeared from the dining commons.

**I’m fucking eleven** : I was rather traumatized 

**barbie** : see!!! I’m valid UwU

**BiDiva** : of course you are

**sexymemes** : bi solidarity

**cheese ghost** : then I’ll just have to clear up the matter with the Professor then

**barbie** : yyeahhhhhh, you do that….

**BiDiva** : :)

**Noble Steed** : :)

**ladies man** : revenge for my previous embarrassment

**smol warrior** : what in the actual fuck is going on

**swordgay** : you don’t want to know

**[DM from barbie to sexymemes @4:30PM]**

**barbie** : FUCK

**sexymemes** : hilda, i love you and appreciate you for all that you’re doing but you done goofed

**barbie** : no don’t worry. I got this ;))))))

**[DM from barbie to ProfByleth @ 4:40PM]**

**barbie** : hi professor!

**ProfByleth** : Hello, Hilda. What seems to be the problem? Can I help you with something?

**barbie** : so

**barbie** : i need you to lie and tell dimitri that you told me to investigate his behavior after the cheese incident

**ProfByleth** :.....What’s in it for me?

**barbie** : EXCUSE ME

**ProfByleth** : You heard me. I enjoy helping my students, but lying to one of them is going to cost you.

**barbie** : ahh you always have been smart professor

**ProfByleth** : Thank you, Hilda.

**barbie** :.....

**barbie** : so here’s my offer

**ProfByleth** : I’m listening.

**barbie** : i will show up to class on time. for one week

**ProfByleth** : Make it a month and we have a deal.

**barbie** : alright, let’s do it

**ProfByleth** : Good thing, because I see Dimitri on his way now :)

**barbie** : omfg

_________________________

**[Gaydar United @ 5:30PM]**

**barbie** : OK GAYS I DID IT

**ladies man** : oh?

**swordgay** : dimitri hasn’t stormed into the training grounds so I assume you actually managed to get away with your scheme

**Noble Steed** : count me as surprised

**FlyingKnight** : likewise

**barbie** : i bartered with the professor

**BiDiva** : excuse me. you did what?

**ladies man** : yes please explain. In detail

**barbie** : i messaged the professor on their official academy account and asked them if they would lie to dimitri in exchange for something

**swordgay** : what did you give up?

**barbie** : wouldn’t you like to know :)

**BiDiva** : wow hilda, gotta admit that’s pretty badass

**barbie** : thank you, I know ;)

**swordgay** : so, did you find out if he’s gay

**barbie** : nope! i’m still thinking there’s about a 60% chance

**Noble Steed** : I wouldn’t say that high, but you do you

**BiDiva** : I think it’s a fair guess

**FlyingKnight** : is this chat going to exist until you find out if dimitri is gay or not

**barbie** : yeah

**BiDiva** : or until a certain someone admits something about themself :)

**ladies man** : not happening

**BiDiva** : interesting that you assumed that it was you :)))))))))))))))

**FlyingKnight** : whoop there it is

**ladies man** : fuck

__________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 7:00PM]**

**ladies man** : ok everyone I have an announcement

**goth** : I’m eating so make it quick.

**swordgay** : sylvain what are you doing

**FlyingKnight** : please don’t embarrass us

**BiDiva** : don’t worry! we’ve been talking about it a bit in person and i’m very proud and feel bad for teasing him

**Rebel Axe** : Oh? Well then, Sylvain, you surprisingly have my attention.

**smol warrior** : give us the deets thot

**Gains4Dayz** : yeah we were in the middle of a workout

**barbie** : ooooo this should be good

**sexymemes** : i agree

**sylvain** : ok everyone, it has come to my attention, that like many of you here, i might not be…..100% straight

**BiDiva** : keep going sweetie you’re doing great

**sylvain** : I have come to the conclusion that I’m bi. Yeah that’s my announcement. Thank you for listening

**purple bitch** : that’s it?

**barbie** : lorenz stfu. sylvain i’m so proud and welcome to the club

**sexymemes** : you’re now part of the bi gang. we have weekly brunches on sundays

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Oh, Sylvain! I’m so happy for you! I’ll make a cake and we can all celebrate you’re journey of self discovery. :D

**venus flytrap** : ii am happyy for youu!!!

**Marianne** : gglad to hear you’vve discovered yourselff!

**sexymemes** : brb I’m crying

**barbie** : claude pass the tissues

**BiDiva** : babe, hold me. My heart is overwhelmed by the goodness

**RebelAxe** : alright, come over then

**BiDiva** : omw <3

**Island Princess** : This is great news, Sylvain! Many happiness upon you. :)

**Dedue** : Congratulations, Sylvain.

**cheese ghost** : I’ll admit, I didn’t expect it, but I’m proud of you Sylvain and I thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us.

**ladies man** : ahhh haha you guys, it’s no big deal

**ladies man** : just means I now have double the flirting and dating pool ;)

**I’m fucking eleven** : and he’s ruined it

**booknerd** : it was a brief, short moment, but we were all united in the unique experience of appreciating and respecting sylvain

**FlyingKnight** : truly a rare occurrence

**Grey** : ah well it was nice while it lasted!

**goth** : I will admit, that wasn’t a complete waste of time.

**Noble Steed** : That’s high praise, coming from Hubert.

**Rebel Axe** : Yes, I’m rather surprised by it actually.

**goth** : You wound me, my lady.

**barbie** : anyway

**sexymemes** : you guys know what this means :))))))))

**BiDiva** : we’re multiplying :)))))))))

**smol warrior** : oh no

**Noble Steed** : So gays? Who will we convert next?

**barbie** : hmmm don’t know. We’ll discuss it during our next monthly Gay Agenda meaning

**purple bitch** : what meeting

**I’m fucking eleven** : lorenz 

**ladies man** : he just doesn’t know when to not, huh?

**sexymemes** : nope!

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Well, I’ll have to wait on baking the cake until tomorrow, but if you all would like to celebrate sometime soon, that would be wonderful!

**ladies man** : sign me the fuck upppppppp

**[DM from swordgay to FlyingKnight @ 7:30PM]**

**swordgay** : fuck

**swordgay** : ingrid he’s not straight

**swordgay** : fucking fuck fuck

**FlyingKnight** : do you want to talk about it?

**swordgay** : no

**FlyingKnight** : want to train?

**swordgay** : yes

**FlyingKnight** : it’ll be ok, felix

**swordgay** : doubtful, but I appreciate it

**FlyingKnight** : Meet there in ten?

**swordgay** : i’m already here but yeah sure

**[DM from FlyingKnight to BiDiva @ 7:35PM]**

**FlyingKnight** : I need your help

**BiDiva** : what can I do for you, ingrid???

**FlyingKnight** : it’s about Felix

___________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 7:00AM]**

**BiDiva** : Morning thotties

**BiDiva** : I have an announcement

**sexymemes** : oh???

**I’m fucking eleven** : what now

**Island Princess** : I am having the excitement to hear her announcement!

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Me as well!

**BiDiva** : So I talked to Manuela

**sleepy emo** : when do you not

**BiDiva** : tea. anywho, I talked to her and we’ve decided to organize a dance for the entire officers academy!

**BiDiva** : it’ll be fun! musics, drinks, lots of gay times

**goth** : Finally, you use the word “gay” correctly.

**BiDiva** : No, Hubert, I meant it in the sense that I will have lots of gay times with Edelgard and you will have to watch :)

**FlyingKnight** : oof

**art twink** : yikes

**[Noble Steed came online]**

**Noble Steed** : can someone please tell me why Hubert is ranting and yelling at me about the gay agenda to corrupt edelgard, and how as I am gay I must stop Dorothea’s “inane tomfoolery”?

**barbie** : ASKJDLAJSDKLJASD

**sexymemes** : the true gay agenda

**lancerleonie** : y’all need the goddess

**I’m fucking eleven** : maybe so

**booknerd** : the dance sounds fun though!!!

**Marianne** : iii hoppee it will be funn for everyonee!!!!

**Gains4Dayz** : same

**Dedue** : It does sound as though it will be an interesting occasion at least

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Yes! It sounds like a lovely idea, Dorothea.

**barbie** : what prompted it?

**BiDiva** : oh no reason

**Rebel Axe** : You just wanted to have an excuse to dance with me, didn’t you?

**BiDiva** : maybe ;)

**ladies man** : cute

**Grey** : must admit, that is a rather cute thing to do

**purple bitch** : When is it going to happen?

**BiDiva** : tbh it’s still a bit up in the air. Manuela was all for it, but we still have to get Seteth and Rhea’s approval

**swordgay** : makes sense

**ladies man** : so who’s down to dance with me ;)

**barbie** : no

**I’m fucking eleven** : no

**venus flytrap** : nnno thanks!

**sleepy emo** : i’m good

**Noble Steed** : same

**ladies man** : ;((((((

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Don’t worry, Sylvain! I’ll save a dance for you. But only platonically of course :)

**ladies man** : but I want to dance with someone non-platonically :(

**FlyingKnight** : then maybe you should ask someone specifically instead of being a thot and asking everyone in the group chat

**BiDiva** : Yeah I mean, I plan to go all out for this dance, so it really would be a lovely occasion to ask someone on a date, Sylvain ;)

**ladies man** : hmmm

**smol warrior** : sounds like I’ll be by myself then

**sleepy emo** : mood

**BiDiva** : or you two could go together and be critical of the couples :)

**sleepy emo** : that might be possibly better than sleeping. Caspar?

**smol warrior** : yeah maybe

**barbie** : claude, will you dance the bro dance of the bro with me

**sexymemes** : absolutely bro

**sexymemes** : but I will also be saving a dance for someone special ;)

**[cheese ghost came online]**

**cheese ghost** : who

**barbie** : aksldjalsjdlaksjd

**sexymemes** : guess you’ll all have to wait and see ;)

**lancerleonie** : you’re really not that slick claude

**I’m fucking eleven** : i’m pretty sure anyone with two brain cells could put it together

**cheese ghost** : who do you guys think it is????

**FlyingKnight** : omg

**Grey** : idk either :/

**booknerd** : wow

**ladies man** : no one tell them

**BiDiva** : wow and I thought our house was chaotically oblivious

**barbie** : same

**Rebel Axe** : Well, I am looking forward to the dance, but everyone it is time for class so I suggest you all get ready and out the door. 

**smol warrior** : ok mom

**I’m fucking eleven** : you can’t tell me what to do

**sexymemes** : lysithea, come to class so you can get your scone

**I’m fucking eleven** :.....fine.

**booknerd** : see y’all in class!

_________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 11:12AM]**

**ladies man** : ok so

**swordgay** : what did you do

**ladies man** : nothing!!! I just uh, had an interaction with Seteth

**barbie** : sounds traumatizing

**FlyingKnight** : I like Seteth. He’s a very respectable person.

**sexymemes** : i mean I guess

**ladies man** : anyway

**ladies man** : so apparently he’s seen us texting a lot lately and wanted to know what we were all doing

**ladies man** : i think that he thought we were concocting nefarious schemes or something

**BiDiva** : lmaoooo

**sleepy emo** : so what did he want

**ladies man** : tbh it was kind of confusing since I only ever understand half of what that man is saying

**ladies man** : but I think he wanted us to add Flayn so that she wouldn’t be excluded

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Oh no! How could we have forgotten sweet Flayn :(

**booknerd** : CLAUDE ADD HER RIGHT NOW

**sexymemes** : ON IT

**[** ** _sexymemes added _ ** **Flayn @ 11:15AM]**

**Flayn** : Oh, what’s this?

**Flayn** : A Conglomerate of Buffoonery? That is rather alarming.

**Flayn** : But oh! Is this the group chat I have heard whisperings about? I am excited to be included and I hope you all will tolerate and enjoy our time together :)

**barbie** : we really out here adding sweetness to this chat and I’m living for it

**Island Princess** : Greetings, Flayn! It is I, Petra. I am feeling the happiness to see you have joined

**BiDiva** : same! Dorothea here and glad to hear from you!!! Sorry we forgot to add you initially :((((

**Flayn** : Do not worry! I am sure you were all caught up in your investigation of that alarming apparition.

**smol warrior** : the what

**sleepy emo** : she means the cheese ghost incident

**smol warrior** : oh lmao

**Flayn** : May I ask what prompted you all to add me to this chat?

**goth** : I haven’t the faintest idea.

**ladies man** : your brother told me to, and tbh I felt bad for forgetting

**Flayn** : My brother did what?

**sexymemes** : uh oh

**Flayn** : I’m sorry, give me a moment while I go talk to him :)

**[Flayn went offline]**

**art twink** : fear

**FlyingKnight** : Does anyone have eyes on her? I hope she doesn’t ring him out too badly.

**Dedue** : I see them.

**barbie** : spill the deets

**Dedue** : I am outside of the greenhouse and can see them by the fishing pond. Flayn looks rather upset and is stomping her feet as she chastises Seteth.

**BiDiva** : well that’s not the worst conclusion I guess

**[Flayn came online]**

**Flayn** : I have returned everyone. I simply had to tell my brother to remain uninvolved in affairs regarding my friendships. He should no longer trouble you all.

**ladies man** : it really wasn’t an issue Flayn, but I’m glad you got it settled

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Oh! And I sent you a dm with everyones name/username so that you won’t be lost :)

**Flayn** : Thank you, Mercedes! I must admit you all are rather creative in your usernames. I am afraid that I am somewhat at a loss for what mine should be. Does anyone have any suggestions?

**Noble Steed** : Flayn the Fish?

**I’m fucking eleven** : sadly your username suggestions are not as good as your quips at Hubert

**Noble Steed** : sorry :/

**Flayn** : Oh, I do like fish though!

**Grey** : ummmmm

**booknerd** : don’t strain yourself. your breadth of knowledge concerns stories and knights

**Grey** : sadly true

**Rebel Axe** : cinnamon roll

**BiDiva** : YES

**barbie** : edelgard coming through with the win

**Flayn** : I’m sorry, I do not understand?

**sexymemes** : it’s just this meme basically saying that people who are really sweet are like cinnamon rolls, bc they’re both filled with goodness

**Flayn** : Oh! Edelgard that is so sweet of you. Now that it has been explained to me, I would love for that to be my username! :D

**[** ** _Flayn changed their username to _ ** **cinnamon roll]**

**goth** : Can we finally return to eating now?

**barbie** : nothing has been stopping you 

**goth** : Besides the constant buzzing of my phone.

**Noble Steed** : then mute it????

**goth** : Mute it?

**BiDiva** : oh my goddess

**swordgay** : you’re joking

**sexymemes** : the truth comes out; Hubert is the technologically challenged???? owO

**goth** : Absolutely not. I can work a telephone with complete precision. 

**Noble Steed** : Hubert. Come over here so I can show you how to mute your phone.

**goth** :.....fine.

**cinnamon roll** : I’m glad that was resolved! I am glad to have been added to this chat, but I am famished so I will grab some food. I will talk to you all later :)

**Marianne** : sssounds ggood!

**barbie** : pure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's that! The set up for the dance will at minimum be next chapter, if not the next two. Again hopefully no one is too ooc. This was longer than usual so I honestly might try and increase the length of chapters and update less regularly. But we shall see haha
> 
> Again, comments are always appreciated and feel free to hit me up @ kanobies on tumblr
> 
> Till next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorothea plans a dance, Claude gets swept of his feet, and Leonie takes vengeance for a broken lance.

**[DM from FlyingKnight to BiDiva @ 7:03PM]**

**FlyingKnight**: any word on how the dance is shaping up?

**BiDiva**: I have Manuela on it. Rhea seems receptive but Seteth is mildly concerned

**FlyingKnight**: we should get Flayn to tell him she wants to go

**BiDiva**: true

**FlyingKnight**: do you really think this whole thing is going to work?

**BiDiva**: trust me, they both might be stupid but a girl has her ways ;)

__________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoons @ 7:30AM]**

**BiDiva**: ok thotties I have news!!!!

**barbie**: oh!!!

**cinnamon roll**: Is this about the dance that I have been hearing about? Oh, I am so very excited to hear such news!

**sexymemes**: yeet

**swordgay**: let me guess they said no

**BiDiva**: No! I got approval on one condition ;)

**cheese ghost**: and what would that be?

**smol warrior**: uh oh

**BiDiva**: we have to let everyone from the church attend and Seteth, Alois, and Catherine will be acting as chaperones. 

**I’m fucking eleven**: nvm, i’m not going

**sleepy emo**: same

**BiDiva**: guys!!!!

**oh baby you’re my angel**: Don’t worry Dorothea, I will definitely be attending! I encourage everyone to do so as well. I’ve enjoyed talking with and being around you all this past week, and I think the upcoming dance would be a wonderful time for all of us!

**booknerd**: I’m going if mercie’s going

**Grey**: same

**Dedue**: When is the dance going to be Dorothea?

**BiDiva**: in a week! I have to have time to set up with Manuela. We’re thinking of setting up in the main hall

**sexymemes**: oooo fancy

**Rebel Axe**: Will you need help, Dorothea?

**BiDiva**: yeah i was going to ask about that actually!

**BiDiva**: I would really appreciate if people could help with decorations and moving stuff

**venus flytrap**: ii can seww some!!

**BiDiva**: thanks bernie!! <3

**art twin**k: I can paint and decorate some banners if you give me some details

**barbie**: the art twink pulling through

**Island Princess**: I’m not experienced with the decorating, but I can assist with any physical labor that is being required!

**smol warrior**: same

**Gains4Dayz**: yeah it would be a good workout

**BiDiva**: thanks guys! :)

**Rebel Axe**: I can help with whatever you need, Dorothea. I can’t guarantee that I will be well equipped to help with all of the tasks, but I will try my best.

**BiDiva**: awww edie :’)

**cinnamon roll**: I can help as well!

**purple bitch**: nice to see the plebians are doing all the work

**I’m fucking eleven**: lorenz. do you want to die?

**goth**: Lorenz. Did you just call Lady Edelgard a “plebian”?

**ladies man**: oh shit

**Noble Steed**: we’re about to witness a murder aren’t we?

**FlyingKnight**: most likely

**purple bitch**: and what are you going to do about it you trashy goth?

**I’m fucking eleven**: well it was nice knowing you lorenz

**goth**: I’m glad we have come to an understanding. I know where you live so dealing out your punishment should be rather easy. 

**barbie**: YIKES

**sexymemes**: uh oh there goes lorenz

**swordgay**: he won’t be missed

**purplebitch**: your threats don’t scare me

**Noble Steed**: they should

**Noble Steed**: he’s hurt people for less

**smol warrior**: yeah it was nice knowing you lorenz

**sleepy emo**: it really wasn’t but I guess the thought counts

**oh baby you’re my angel**: You all should try and be a bit nicer. Even if it’s Lorenz.

**ladies man**: i guess

**cheese ghost**: that’s a tall order

**sexymemes**: akaljslasjdlas

**FlyingKnight**: I’m going to the dining commons for breakfast. Anyone want to join?

**booknerd**: me!

**ladies man**: same

**swordgay**: i guess

**sexymemes**: sure

**cheese ghost**: i’ll tag along

**barbie**: gay lord hilda incoming

**sexymemes**: you’re being oddly punctual

**barbie**: i promised the professor I’d be on time so i gotta eat now

**sexymemes**: ah

**I’m fucking eleven**: why?

**barbie**: it’s a secret ;)

**BiDiva**: uh huh sure :)

**ladies man**: the biggest secret to ever be hidden :)

**Noble Steed**: none of us have any idea why Hilda could be being punctual :)

**barbie**: shut your MOUTH

**cinnamon roll**: I am at the dining hall so I will hopefully see some of you there! I am at the table near the door facing the fishing pond!

**FlyingKnight**: Alright, me, sylvain, and felix are on our way

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 8:00 AM]**

**barbie**: ugh

**swordgay**: this is sickening

**cheese ghost**: what?

**FlyingKnights**: please dimitri you can not be this oblivious

**sexymemes**: guysssss

**barbie**: claude, please he literally will never know what he looks like unless confronted by evidence

**sexymemes**: …..fine

**ladies man** : [uploaded _ dimitri_is_gross.png _]

**I’m fucking eleven**: hey guys what did I SAY

**I’m fucking eleven**: I SAID I NEVER WANTED CHEESE ON HIS PERSON AGAIN

**barbie**: i know lysithea and I’m sorry but we’re hoping that public shame will function as a means of forcing him to recognize his addiction and change (u_u)

**booknerd**: i pray

**cheese ghost**: ok yeah that pic isn’t great

**swordgay**: are you guys just going to ignore claude

**sexymemes**: what

**lancerleonie**: oh my fuckkkkingngng

**smol warrior**: ASJDLAJSDLASJDLA

**BiDiva**: oh bb

**sexymemes**: what??? It’s just my attractive face

**Grey**: I don’t see anything?

**Island Princess**: I believe he is looking in the fashion of “smitten”

**goth**: Yes, I would describe it as such.

**Marianne**: itt’’s cutte!

**Noble Steed**: yeah, damn that’s pretty bad

**sexymemes**: hnnnn gays this is bullying

**oh baby you’re my angel**: Please you guys, don’t tease them! They’ll come to it on their own.

**cheese ghost**: wait… claude you like me?

**barbie**: s h i t

**BiDiva**: fuc

**sexymemes**: whahtnti I menans what???

**art twink**: claude machine BROKE

**[cheese ghost went offline]**

**ladies man**: fuck

**swordgay**: I shouldn’t have said anything

**barbie**: wait no he just showed up at our classroom

**Rebel Axe**: He’s cutting it close. Our classes begin in 5 minutes.

**barbie**: OH MY GODDESS

**art twink**: finally

**purple bitch**: why are they interrupting our class like this

**I’m fucking eleven**: gross

**Gains4Dayz**: ahh that’s sweet

**Marianne**: !!!!!!

**smol warrior**: someone pls explain what is going on

**barbie** : [uploaded _ mycropshavebeenwatered.png _]

**BiDiva**: THEY KISSED????

**sleepy emo**: in front of hanneman no less

**Island Princess**: Professor Hanneman looks rather disturbed

**oh baby you’re my angel**: Oh I’m so happy for them!!!!

**booknerd**: awww that’s sweet

**Rebel Axe**: I must admit, it’s not the worst thing to look at.

**Noble Steed**: we got another one gays

**smol warrior**: STOP IT

**sleepy emo**: It does look as though our numbers are increasing somewhat rapidly.

**ladies man**: gotta admit I never pegged dimitri as the type to sweep someone off their feet

**swordgay**: or to act upon any sort of attraction

**BiDiva**: like you two are ones to talk

**swordgay**: what the fuck does that mean

**BiDiva**: oh idk :))))))))))))

**FlyingKnight**: Dorothea, encourage, don’t tease.

**BiDiva**: ok ok yeah sorry

**ladies man**: what’s going on???

**BiDiva**: don’t worry about it

**cinnamon roll**: Hello, this is Seteth. I have borrowed Flayn’s cellular device to tell you all that if you cannot control yourselves, all of your devices will be confiscated when you enter the classroom post hence. Thank you for your time. 

**barbie**: ITS THE POLICE

**BiDiva**: EVERYONE RUN

**ladies man**: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

**I’m fucking eleven**: and you guys call me a child smh

_________________________________

**[Gaydar United @ 11:00AM]**

**barbie**: I was right bitchessssss

**Noble Steed**: guess so

**ladies man**: that photo is definitely proof lmao

**FlyingKnight**: At least they both finally got their shit together

**BiDiva**: true

**barbie**: damn, it’s only been three days since we saw cheese ghost and now he’s dating said cheese ghost

**barbie**: claude be wilding

**swordgay**: it just shows that his taste in men is poor

**FlyingKnight**: oof

**barbie**: like you’re one to talk you emo twink

**ladies man**: what do you mean he literally doesn’t show interest in anyone???

**Noble Steed**:.....

**BiDiva**: ingrid, how do you deal with this on a daily basis

**FlyingKnight**: sometimes I don’t know

**ladies man**: what are you guys talking about?

**sword gay**: fuck if I know

**barbie**: this is painful

**ladies man**: ok??? you guys can keep being weird

**ladies man**: felix, want to train?

**swordgay**: sure. I’m already at the training grounds

**ladies man**: yeet. I’ll be there in five

**[swordgay and ladies man went offline]**

**Noble Steed**: dorothea be honest, are those two why you set up the dance?

**BiDiva**: they may be one of many reasons

**FlyingKnight**: yep so let’s stop talking about it since people can read this after the fact

**barbie**: true true

______________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 5:07PM]**

**I’m fucking eleven**: GUYS I’M LOSING IT

**lancerleonie** : [uploaded _ lorenzdying.png _]

**sexymemes**: HASIDHASIODHASHDOAIHSD

**Rebel Axe**: that is disturbing

**smol warrior**: HAHAHAHAHSHASHAHAHAHA

**sleepy emo**: I see Hubert has been busy.

**booknerd**: his lips are HUGE

**FlyingKnight**: thanks guys I’m going to have nightmares now

**Gains4Dayz**: oof that’s rough

**art twink**: part of me wants to laugh and the other part wants to cringe

**oh baby you’re my angel**: Hubert, what did you do to him?? :(

**goth**: I simply put a skin irritant on the rim of the cups in his tea set. 

**barbie**: ASJKDLAJSDLAJSDLAJKS

**Noble Steed**: oh god that’s bad

**goth**: The swelling will go down in a few hours. I just wanted to find a way to get him to shut his trash filled mouth :)

**BiDiva**: holy shit

**sexymemes**: dimitri, hold me i’m scared :’(((((

**cheese ghost**: I already am???? You’re literally laying on top of me while we message everyone

**barbie**: gay

**ladies man**: oh look it’s the new gay couple of Garreg Mach

**swordgay**: disgusting

**sexymemes**: our attraction is pure and wholesome

**sexymemes**: and you will see it on full display at the dance

**barbie**: we still gotta do our bro dance tho

**sexymemes**: of course bro

**purple bitch**: Hubert. I will have my revenge. And how dare you for uploading that pic Leonie.

**goth**: Oh look at me. I’m shaking in terror. 

**Noble Steed**: akldjalksjdlajs hubert

**sleepy emo**: Lorenz, you’re out of your league

**I’m fucking eleven**: when is he not

**booknerd**: oof

**[cinnamon roll came online]**

**cinnamon roll**: I am so sorry everyone for what my brother did this morning. He took my phone against my wishes and used it to threaten you all. I understand if you would like to remove me from the chat :(

**Marianne**: itt’’s okay!!

**barbie**:!!!! Flayn don’t worry you can’t control seteth

**Rebel Axe**: We all needed to get back to focusing on our studies anyway.

**art twink**: memes>>>>studying

**ladies man**: agreed

**Dedue**: I enjoy studying and training.

**booknerd**: same!!!

**barbie**: yeah but you guys are nerds

**BiDiva**: tea

**oh baby you’re my angel**: I guess I’m a bit of a nerd then, haha! I always enjoy all of our professor’s lectures :)

**barbie**: i take back what I said simply for the pureness of that statement

**smol warrior**: mood

**cinnamon roll**: I’m glad you all have forgiven me! But I have a question, Dorothea.

**BiDiva**: yes?

**cinnamon roll**: Is this dance going to be a formal event? In that sense I mean will we be requiring dates and dancing partners?

**BiDiva**: oh! Yeah dress up if you’d like to! But in regards to taking a date it’s up to you and there will definitely be couples dances bc you bet your bootie i’m dancing with my gf ;)

**cinnamon roll**: Oh thank you for clearing that up! I guess I will have to find a date then :)

**sleepy emo**: as do 90% of the people in this chat

**sexymemes**: well me and dimitri are taken ;))))))))))))))

**barbie**: hey marianne, wanna go together?

**Marianne**: ssurre!

**barbie**: nice!!! <3333

**Noble Steed**: hmm it wouldnt reflect well on my noble status if I were to attend a formal event by myself

**goth**: Trust me, you going alone would not be what reflected poorly upon your nobility.

**goth**: Rather it would be the fact that you would introduce yourself to every potential suitor with too much enthusiasm as you would yell “ I am Ferdinand von Aegir!”.

**I’m fucking eleven**: wow the read of the century

**BiDiva**: i’m fucking LOSING IT imagining that

**sleepy emo**: it sounds as though you’ve witnessed it Hubert

**goth**: I may have attended the same social functions during our time in the empire

**Noble Steed**: :/

**venus flytrap**: II think i’m gonna sitt this one outt guyss

**BiDiva**: no worries bernie!

**Island Princess**: I will attend. I have been wishing to gain more experience in the dancing customs of Fodlan!

**ladies man**: hmmmmmm who to ask

**FlyingKnight**:.....

**Grey**: hmm i’ll go but probably by myself

**ladies man**: maybe I’ll just sweep someone off of their feet once we’re there

**BiDiva**: sylvain

**ladies man**: what???

**FlyingKnight**: ugh don’t Dorothea

**BiDiva**: fine

**sexymemes**: wow this is interesting to watch

**cheese ghost**: it’s pretty bad

**I’m fucking eleven**: you literally have zero room to talk prince oblivious

**barbie**: OOF

**Dedue**: I must admit, she has a point Dimitri.

**cheese ghost**: betrayal

**Grey**: lmaoooooooo

____________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 10:02PM]**

**lancerleonie**: who did it

**art twink**: what

**Rebel Axe**: Did what?

**lancerleonie**: who broke my favorite lance

**lancerleonie**: the one jeraldt gave me

**lancerleonie**: I just want to talk....or beat you senseless 

**I’m fucking eleven**: guys I’m with her and I’ve never seen her this mad so whoever did it please just own up to the fact

**cheese ghost**: it wasn’t me

**barbie**: yeah claude and I have been painting each others nails so it surprisingly wasn’t us

**barbie** : [uploaded _ mybro.png _]

**BiDiva**: cute

**ladies man**: felix, and I have been studying in the library 

**swordgay**: I know it sounds impossible but I can attest to the fact that we are both currently in the library and have been here for several hours

**FlyingKnight**: Glad to see you two focusing on something besides training or in Sylvain’s case, women

**ladies man**: hey, im a man of many talents

**lancerleonie**: WHO DID IT

**[purple bitch came online]**

**purple bitch**: It is just retribution for sending that pic of me. Bitch.

**[lancerleonie went offline]**

**barbie**: oh SHIT

**I’m fucking eleven**: guys i’m following her. she’s yelling and looking for lorenz

**ladies man**: does anyone know where he is?

**oh baby you’re my angel**: Maybe we should let those two cool off a bit before they confront one another.

**Dedue**: He’s at the fishing pond. I saw him taking an evening walk when he passed the greenhouse.

**smol warrior**: ASJLDKA dedue acting as an accessory to murder

**I’m fucking eleven**: she’s seen him

**swordgay**: this should actually be good

**FlyingKnight**: wonder what she’ll do

**I’m fucking eleven**: she threw him in the pond

**booknerd**: that’s what i expected honestly

**sleepy emo**: serves him right

**barbie**: ASLDJALDSJLAj

**barbie**: he literally just paid a shit ton of money to get his hair styled

**art twink**: wonder if it got ruined

**[lancerleonie came online**]

**lancerleonie**: I fucking hope it got ruined

**I’m fucking eleven**: aww mercedes came out and is trying to help him

**booknerd**: yeah bc she’s a literal angel

**smol warrior**: true

**I’m fucking eleven**: well she’s taking him inside to grab a blanket and warm him up, so this saga of drama and insanity has come to a concise conclusion

**Noble Steed**: fun

**goth**: You all behave like utter children.

**I’m fucking eleven**: says the guy who played a prank earlier today

**BiDiva**: she’s got you there hubie

**Rebel Axe**: She does, I’m afraid to say.

**goth**: …..

**goth**: Maybe so.

**Noble Steed**:....did you just….quote a meme?

**barbie**: HE DID

**ladies man**: we’re lowering hubert to our level

**smol warrior**: he too shall be a buffoon

**goth**: In your dreams you utter imbeciles.

**Noble Steed**: whatever you have to tell yourself :) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's chapter 4! I'm thinking maybe one more chapter of set up before the dance? Not entirely sure but there will at least be a bit more build up. Again hope no one is too ooc and feel free to hit me up @ kanobies on tumblr
> 
> All of your lovely comments have really been making my day and as always they are appreciated and encouraged.
> 
> Till next time!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorenz apologizes, Sylvain does some dumb stuff, and the gang plays a round of truth or dare.

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 11:30AM]**

**BiDiva** : ok guys, it’s been three days and Manuela and I are ready to start setting up! Pls let me know asap who can help set up what. We’ve got some knights who agreed to go into town and buy materials for decorations , which should be ready for us by this afternoon

**Island Princess** : I might not be very good, but I would like to assist in the decorating!

**ladies man** : I’ll help

**booknerd** : what’s the theme btw

**BiDiva** : A Night Under the Stars

**barbie** : wow

**sexymemes** : romantic

**swordgay** : more like corny

**ladies man** : for that I’m making you help

**swordgay** : fuck you, no

**oh baby you’re my angel** : I’ll bring snacks for those of us who decide to help out Dorothea this afternoon. That way we can keep our energy up!

**swordgay** : i rescind my previous statement, i guess i can help

**cheese ghost** : Mercedes, your baked goods could end wars

**sexymemes** : honestly yeah

**Rebel Axe** : Her macarons are truly delectable, I must admit.

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Awww you guys! That’s so sweet of you :)

**venus flytrap** : ifff itts ok, I could help mercedes with the foood for the dancee

**oh baby you’re my angel** : That sounds wonderful! I look forward to working with you. We’ll also be working with the regular dining staff just fyi, Bernadetta :D

**smol warrior** : can’t help. I’m on linhardt nap duty

**Gains4Dayz** : what does that mean?

**smol warrior** : [uploaded  _ sleep.png _ ]

**I’m fucking eleven** : is he deadass sleeping on the floor of the library

**smol warrior** : yeah. I found him and have been making sure no one steps on him

**BiDiva** : That’s rather sweet of you, big bro ;)

**smol warrior** : I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT

**BiDiva** : whatever you say, BIG BRO

**smol warrior** : fuck u

**FlyingKnight** : how does that guy not wake up with a million aches and pains

**Rebel Axe** : It is truly a mystery.

**BiDiva** : so that’s petra, sylvain, felix, and mercedes helping this afternoon?

**Rebel Axe** : I will be helping as well.

**BiDiva** : thanks babe! <3

**Noble Steed** : I’ll help too. Can’t be outdone by edelgard

**goth** : As though you could ever hope to do so. I will attend just to see you fail miserably.

**barbie** : sounds like an excuse to watch him

**goth** : Absolutely not.

**I’m fucking eleven** : hey, hilda maybe don’t tease hubert unless you want to end up like lorenz

**barbie** : oh true

**ladies man** : ok random offtopic moment, but who has seen the new ep of  _ Fodlan’s Most Eligible Bachelor _

**Rebel Axe** : I cannot believe he kept Cornelia.

**ladies man** : RIGHT!?!?!?

**ladies man** : she’s such a creep

**ladies man** : he should have kept Rose but like, goddess he really just let Cornelia be in the final 8 

**Rebel Axe** : Honestly.

**Rebel Axe** : I have a feeling she’s going to wind up being one of the ones who if they don’t win shoot off into some other thread of reality television. I don’t even want to think about the consequences of her winning.

**ladies man** : exactly, I can’t even imagine her winning or else i’ll lose faith in humanity and love

**BiDiva** : are my girlfriend and sylvain talking about reality television together and agreeing on something?

**Gains4Dayz** : yes?

**BiDiva** : hey hubert, did you drug me? Is this a fever dream?

**goth** : I did no such thing.

**Rebel Axe** : It’s a guilty pleasure, Dorothea. You can start watching it with me if you’d like to.

**BiDiva** : omg absolutely

**Rebel Axe** : Sylvain can join as well if he’d like to. I feel as though his commentary would be...interesting

**ladies man** : oh fuck yeah, sign me up

**booknerd** : this is the least expected friendship I would have ever expected to blossom from this chat

**Grey** : i’m shook

**art twink** : same

**FlyingKnight** : Sylvain can actually be surprising at times

**[purple bitch has come online]**

**purple bitch** : Hello everyone. First and foremost, I would like to apologize for previously rude behavior on my part. I have apologized to Leonie for my actions yesterday. I would appreciate if we could all attempt to get along more.

**oh baby you’re my angel** : That was great, Lorenz!

**lancerleonie** : yeah yeah, I forgive you and I’m sorry for us being assholes to you on most occasions

**sexymemes** : i guess we could try letting lorenz have rights

**barbie** : for now

**booknerd** : so basically what’s happening is y’all need to try and be nice to lorenz or else you’re gonna make mercie sad and i will beat you up :)

**Noble Steed** : message received

**swordgay** : i’ll try i guess

**BiDiva** : hey lorenz, we were just talking about dance set up if you’d like to help?

**purple bitch** : I guess I could bless you all with my presence and help create divine decorations

**BiDiva** : great! See all of you who agreed to help at 3:30 pm!

**Noble Steed** : yeet

**I’m fucking eleven** : i’m coming solely for the sweets

**sexymemes** : we expect nothing less lysithea

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 4:13PM]**

**ladies man** : here’s an update on the progress of decorations!

**ladies man** : [uploaded  _ decorations.png _ ]

**barbie** : wow...that’s….

**booknerd** : so much glitter

**barbie** : you guys i’m gay and that’s still a little much

**BiDiva** : hey, I had no idea how into this lorenz was going to be

**oh baby you’re my angel** : It’s very cute actually! I never expected him to be so artistic.

**art twink** : bitch better not be coming for my title

**sexymemes** : don’t worry ignatz, glitter stars will never replace your beautiful art

**Gains4Dayz** : yeah what claude said!

**[sleepy emo has come online]**

**sleepy emo** : it seems a lot has happened while I was asleep

**swordgay** : when is that not the case?

**sleepy emo** : hmm I guess you do have me there

**smol warrior** : I can’t believe you slept on the floor for 3 hours

**sleepy emo** : what can I say, I needed my sleep

**sleepy emo** : thank you for making sure no one stepped on me by the way

**smol warrior** : no problem!

**barbie** : gay

**cheese ghost** : yeah

**smol warrior** : I will kill both of you

**barbie** : come at me tiny boi

**smol warrior** : prepare to get fisted bitch

**barbie** : EXCUSE ME

**BiDiva** : AHKSIODJASOIDJIAODJOIASJD

**I’m fucking eleven** : my eyes are bleeding

**smol warrior** : what I’m just gonna punch her real good???

**sexymemes** : hello, goddess? I’m ready to die now

**Rebel Axe** : Caspar. Do you not know what the term, “fisting” means?

**smol warrior** : ???? it’s just when you punch someone???

**cheese ghost** : wow

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Is that not what it is?

**booknerd** : Y’ALL DO NOT CORRUPT MERCIE LIKE THIS

**Island Princess** : I do not know what this term means either

**Marianne** : wwhhat is it??

**BiDiva** : i can’t

**barbie** : uh so

**sexymemes** : it’s a sex thing

**I’m fucking eleven** : do not look it up. Ever.

**purple bitch** : for once I agree with lysithea

**sleepy emo** : too late. Caspar searched it.

**smol warrior** : HEY GUYS WHAT IN THE FUCK

**barbie** : now you know why we lost it

**Noble Steed** : it was a good laugh at least

**goth** : Truly.

**sword gay** : in other news

**sword gay** : [uploaded  _ sylvain.png _ ]

**FlyingKnight** : omg there’s glitter everywhere

**ladies man** : felix ambushed me :((((

**swordgay** : that’s what you get for being a thot

**ladies man** : this isn’t what I meant by body glitter

**BiDiva** : asldasjdklajsd

**Grey** : I just checked my phone and this shit is wild

**BiDiva** : alright, thotties, break is over! Back to work

**ladies man** : aight boss, I’m on it

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 5:04 PM]**

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Hey guys?

**swordgay** : yes?

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Who left the tub of glitter on top of the door?

**ladies man** : oh that was me haha! I was trying to get back at felix. Who’d it get?

**FlyingKnight** : oh no

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Um

**BiDiva** : [uploaded  _ manuela_is_mad.png _ ]

**BiDiva** : sylvain you’ve brought this on yourself

**ladies man** : fuck

**booknerd** : he’s dead isn’t he

**purple bitch** : wow finally someone other than me fucks up

**Noble Steed** : I offered her a handkerchief and a cup of tea to try and calm her down, but she’s still pretty pissed. Apparently she was on her way to a date.

**goth** : Yes, Ferdinand was surprisingly diplomatic. 

**Noble Steed** : Why are you complimenting me so much lately? Are you ill?

**I’m fucking eleven** : sure that’s it smh

**FlyingKnight** : back to the matter at hand

**barbie** : sylvain you should hide. Manuela just came by and while she does looks fabulous, there is still a vein popping out of her forehead

**swordgay** : just come and hide in my room

**ladies man** : omw

**cheese ghost** : wow thats uh

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Very sweet of Felix! Let’s not read more into it than that! :)

**booknerd** : you heard mercie you thotties. don’t you dare start shit rn

**sexymemes** : fineeeeeeee

**BiDiva** : ok mom

**[cinnamon roll has come online]**

**cinnamon roll** : Hello everyone! I am sorry for my absence but I have been away with my brother. We went on a trip to the sea! :)

**venus flytrap** : ooh! That sounds funn!

**cinnamon roll** : Yes, it was nice to visit Mother again.

**Rebel Axe** : I am sorry, not to be rude, but hasn’t your mother passed?

**cinnamon roll** : Oh yes, sorry for the confusion. I simply meant that we visited her grave. It was lovely to get to sit and speak with her again for a bit. Brother went fishing. I have pictures if you all would like to see!

**smol warrior** : yeah that sounds rad

**ladies man** : oh ye I’d like to see while I’m under house arrest

**swordgay** : please distract him. he’s driving me mad. He’s literally been stuck in here for 6 minutes and i’m nearly ready to kick him out

**ladies man** : nooooo don’t let manuela kill me

**cinnamon roll** : Alright then!

**cinnamon roll** : [uploaded  _ setethfishing.png _ ]

**cinnamon roll** : [uploaded  _ meandmother.png _ ]

**cinnamon roll** : [uploaded  _ meandsetethatthebeach.png _ ]

**BiDiva** : omg those are so cute

**cheese ghost** : that they are

**sexymemes** : we have been blessed on this day

**I’m fucking eleven** : wow seteth actually looks like he’s good at fishing

**art twink** : I’m glad you got to spend time with your brother and mom Flayn!

**Marianne** : ssame!!!

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Yes I’m so glad for you. Also those photos are absolutely precious! :D

**cinnamon roll** : Thank you everyone! I’m glad you have enjoyed the photos of my trip :)

**Rebel Axe** : No, Flayn. We should thank you for sharing such happy memories with us.

**barbie** : brb guys edelgard made me cry

**sexymemes** : pass the tissues bro

______________________________

**[The Conglomerate of Buffoonery @ 7:03PM]**

**ladies man** : ughhhh

**swordgay** : please shut up

**ladies man** : felix i’m borreeeeddd

**BiDiva** : I still wouldn’t come out. Manuela is still stalking the monastery looking for you.

**ladies man** : but hilda said she looks fabulous!

**barbie** : I mean tea, but she’s still mad at you dummy

**ladies man** : fair

**sexymemes** : why don’t you just do something with Felix?

**swordgay** : we tried that. sylvain doesn’t do well being forced to remain in confined spaces

**ladies man** : yeah i’m a free spirit. You can’t tie me down bb

**FlyingKnight** : Well maybe you could actually try and be productive and do something like, I don’t know, study?

**ladies man** : eww who does that?

**sexymemes** : yeah ingrid what do we look like? nerds?

**cheese ghost** : but you are a nerd

**barbie** : OOOO CALLED OUT BY THE BF

**sexymemes** : Shut UPPPPPPPPP

**I’m fucking eleven** : you know dimitri, if you keep burning claude like that I may just forgive you for the cheese incident

**cheese ghost** : uhh, cool

**ladies man** : but y’alllll what can I dooooo

**BiDiva** : we could play truth or dare

**barbie** : that sounds like it could be messy/hard to make work

**sexymemes** : aka we’re in

**ladies man** : sign me and felix up!

**swordgay** : fine, but only if you shut up

**oh baby you’re my angel** : I’ll join as well.

**smol warrior** : same

**Noble Steed** : me too

**booknerd** : same

**Grey** : sign me up

**Dedue** : I guess I could join as well.

**FlyingKnight** : I’ll participate for the sheer bullshit that is about to occur

**I’m fucking eleven** : I guess I will join for that reason as well.

**BiDiva** : Ok guys, let’s get started! If anyone who didn’t respond wants to join after the fact just let us know

**BiDiva** : ok so. Ferdinand, truth or dare

**Noble Steed** : truth

**barbie** : booooo boring

**Noble Steed** : you really trust Dorothea with a dare?

**sexymemes** : fair

**BiDiva** : Ok ferdie. This is gonna be lowkey vague bc I’m not mean but if you say yes, I’ll still have an idea ;)

**FlyingKnight** : uh oh

**BiDiva** : Do you currently have a crush on anyone?

**Noble Steed** :....

**BiDiva** : If you don’t answer you have to randomly do the squat and dab in front of the professor while one of us videos it. That's the punishment for anyone who drops out

**barbie** : ASJDKLASJDLASJD

**smol warrior** : what the fuck

**Noble Steed** : Fine. Yes, I do.

**BiDiva** : Thank you ferdie :)

**barbie** : WHO IS IT

**Noble Steed** : That wasn’t part of the question.

**goth** : We will find out sooner or later. You aren’t exactly subtle.

**Noble Steed** : Ok, Hubert. you get on that.

**sexymemes** : oh my fuckkingnggg

**I’m fucking eleven** : all of you are disfunctional gays and I’m honestly going to lose my sanity by the time we graduate

**Noble Steed** : Anyway, it’s my turn now.

**Noble Steed** : Hilda, truth or dare?

**barbie** : dare bb B)

**Noble Steed** : I dare you to go up to Seteth and tell him you have a fish fetish and walk away with no explanation

**sexymemes** : HOE MY GOODDDESS

**BiDiva** : FERDIE I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AHSDKLASJDKLASJD

**barbie** : ferdinand you’re better at this than I thought you would be

**barbie** : but don’t take me for some amateur. Claude come with so you can verify I did it

**sexymemes** : you guys i’m about to lose it

**oh baby you’re my angel** : This is uh...rather interesting.

**barbie** : done

**sexymemes** : GUYS HE LOOKED SO DISTURBED

**sexymemes** : SHE DID IT WITH HER REGULAR SMILE AND EVERYTHING

**barbie** : yeah bc i’m that bitch

**BiDiva** : wow hilda. Respect.

**barbie** : alright lysithea, truth or dare?

**I’m fucking eleven** : damnit

**barbie** : truth or dare. Ow awe you too scawed? Owo

**I’m fucking eleven** : dare

**barbie** : :)

**booknerd** : lysithea, I pray for you

**smol warrior** : you will be missed

**barbie** : I dare you to go without sweets. For a week.

**I’m fucking eleven** : Hilda, I will destroy everything you love and then you.

**I’m fucking eleven** : But fine. I can do it. No big deal.

**barbie** : :)

**swordgay** : it’ll be interesting to see how long she lasts

**ladies man** : yeah

**I’m fucking eleven** : claude, truth or dare?

**sexymemes** : like you even have to ask?

**sexymemes** : dare. Throw it at me gremlin

**I’m fucking eleven** : :) Enjoy the consequences you will now face

**sexymemes** : i’m not scared

**smol warrior** : you should be

**Grey** : yeah you really should

**Dedue** : Claude has no self preservation.

**I’m fucking eleven** : Claude. I dare you. To go hug Hubert.

**barbie** : ADLKSAJDKLASJDLAJSDL

**BiDiva** : lysithea. You’re indirectly murdering claude

**I’m fucking eleven** : exactly

**Noble Steed** : hubert, please don’t kill him

**goth** : ….fine

**sexymemes** : i’m coming hubie!

**FlyingKnight** : I have a bad feeling.

**sexymemes** : HUBERT WHY

**barbie** : ASJLDASJDLSKJDLKASJ guys

**barbie** : his hair is orange

**goth** : It is what he rightly gets for touching me. I simply put a hex on him. It should wear off in a day or so.

**BiDiva** : aslkasjlajsd you and ferdie are matching Claude

**sexymemes** : i hate it

**booknerd** : hmm what a coincidence :)

**smol warrior** : wonder why he chose the same shade of orange

**barbie** : who can never be sure ;)

**goth** : I will put laxatives in all of your meals unless you all shut up.

**barbie** : Yep! Message received!

**sexymemes** : fine then it’s my turn. Caspar, truth or dare?

**smol warrior** : dare. What do I look like? A little bitch?

**sexymemes** : I dare you to hold Linhardt’s hand for the rest of the day

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Hey, let’s not go into the realm of teasing now.

**smol warrior** : Claude….I will punch you.

**[sleepy emo has come online]**

**sleepy emo** : oh I see. So this is why Caspar randomly walked up to me and grabbed my hand with no explanation

**BiDiva** : Are you typing one handed?

**sleepy emo** : yes

**Noble Steed** : wow commitment

**smol warrior** : SHUT UP. my turn. Ashe, truth or dare?

**Grey** : ummmm truth!

**smol warrior** : uhhhhh….what’s your favorite color?

**barbie** : wow

**Dedue** : Thats….sad

**smol warrior** : I HAD A DARE IN MIND NOT A TRUTH OK

**Grey** : It’s literally my username

**I’m fucking eleven** : well, we found the dumbest one of you lot and it’s apparently Caspar

**sexymemes** : tea

**ladies man** : lmao

**smol warrior** : SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP

**Grey** : Ok my turn! Felix, truth or dare?

**swordgay** : dare

**Grey** : Um ok. One sec

**booknerd** : y’all he’s about to strain himself

**BiDiva** : asjldksajdl please don’t die Ashe

**Grey** : ok i know! Go and sit in the same room as someone you have a crush on

**FlyingKnight** :.....ashe

**barbie** : oh no

**ladies man** : felix, why aren’t you moving? You can leave me alone, you know. I won’t break anything haha

**swordgay** : ugh

**I’m fucking eleven** : this is uncomfortable

**ladies man** : wait

**Noble Steed** : oh my goddess

**ladies man** : are you staying bc…

**swordgay** : get out

**[swordgay just went offline]**

**ladies man** : guys he kicked me out of his room. And he won’t answer me. What is going on?

**BiDiva** : Ok so this really was not the most optimal way at all, but Sylvain, you really need to go sit, and evaluate this situation and think about how you feel about Felix, how he might be feeling and why he might have reacted that way.

**oh baby you’re my angel** : Then you should go back and try and talk to him. And that’s all we should say. This is between you two, and I’m sorry this game has caused hardship between you two. :(

**booknerd** : ok guys I think the game is over

**barbie** : yeah. It was fun while it lasted

**Grey** : I’m sorry guys. I didn’t know.

**ladies man** : it’s good ashe. I have some things I apparently need to think about

**FlyingKnight** : want to talk about it

**ladies man** : yeah maybe in a bit. I’m going to chill by myself and think for a bit

**FlyingKnight** : ok just let me know when.

  
  
  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending on a bit of an angsty note there. It'll be resolved somewhat soon. The dance might wind up being two chapters or I might just leave it as one large one. Thanks again for all the lovely comments, and feel free to continue doing so!
> 
> Till next time!


End file.
